l u k e d e n n i n g

My thirst for trying to create beauty

2008-12-10T07:53:00.001-08:00

Lately I have really been trying to create something beautiful. I'm not saying that the following is... but it is my latest attempt.

What is now abundently clear to me was once, how can I put it without settling for the disgusting use of the word 'not'?... I suppose I can't 'put it', I can't 'put it' anything.

The scenes were there; unraveling ribbons of beautiful splender leaving their trails and occasionally, and it was ONLY occasionally, crossing to make knots which caused said beauty to stutter profusely. Each ribbon reaching out to grace everything and everyone they touched with numbing, intoxicating excellence.

I had the chance to take it all in, to explore every shadow, every bit of grit that, over time, would scratch away at the image like nails peeling frost off of a window, each line of ice coiling and falling to the ground. Each line of ice filling your body with the same joy you get from telling a lie and getting away with it.

The days had began to end earlier and evening would creep upon me like flys on shit. The world was lucky if I was up by noon and I sure as hell wouldn't compliment it by regretting this choice. And it was a choice. Was, is and will forever more be a choice... my choice.

I don't think I even loved her, I once wrote a small letter, I now keep it in my wallet, which explains that I did in every way feel that she was worth my all. So I probably did love her. I excepted the rejection well and as I recieved the usual excuses that are, now, so familiar I didn't even dignify them by trying to win her back. All the while I asked myself.

Would I do it again? I think we both know the answer to that.

Happiness part 3

2008-12-09T13:02:00.001-08:00

Well, thank you for reading, I've had a lot of interesting feedback and it seems to be unanimous in agreement that this "blog debate" (searching for better words) is a good idea and one that people like. As a small digression - and I promise it is the smallest of digressions this time - I just find it funny that I am writing a post on happiness just after finishing a book that was sad and whilst listening to Morrissey (just a thought that tickled me).

Anyway...

In reply to Joe's retaliation post.

Joe's list of "happiness factors", Love, Community, Family and Leisure, left me with some questions. Which ofcourse I will feel happy to answer myself. Firstly I would like to adapt, or perhaps, take from that quotation I used last time. Surely if money doesn't make you happy the same can be said for Love. It merely leads you towards it. I think that most people can say that the lowest they have felt has been at loves mercy. That feeling in your throat when you supress tears, I'm not sure if this is something personal to me or if it is something that others feel. However, my point was that this feeling is something I feel when I am holding back my tears from a Loved one. Holding back tears when being bullied or when be beaten up feels quite different and believe me I used to be all to familiar with this.

I haven't cried properly in quite some time, please bear with me (I had to look up if it was "bear" or "bare"), this is not to say I haven't cried. I think things through to much and over the years this has led me to a strange thought process. Imagine, if you will, that you for no reason, other than that of a gut-feeling, that you were going to part ways with a loved one.

If they were to confront you and you were to break down into tears I am pretty sure in your mind you would be going through everything that had happened between you. Each exceptional moment in the relationship drawn out and so blindly obvious that there is no other way that it could have come to anything other than your now hollow self, your once happy-over-the-top-ecstatic self.

I, however, would think first not of my happiness or unhappiness in any part of the relationship but of how mind blowingly cliché'd it was for me to be crying in the arms of a lover. I would think of what others might see this act as. I might aswell run down the road naked screaming "PLEASE SOMEBODY CARE, OH PLEASE, CARE!". Don't worry yourselves this is not something that will be happening. My point is that I don't think of happiness when thinking about love, I believe that they are linked and obviously they are but thats my personal way of looking at it. Anyway this was one of my longer digressions, something I am going to become famous for I am sure.

What was my next point anyway, oh yes. This whole matter of success and happiness. Am I right to assume that your friend is unsuccessful? Otherwise what point is there on bringing him up. Would you want to make him unhappy by agreeing with me and telling him he is unsuccessful? You're idea of love seems to be a way of copying with not being happy with yourself... someone to be there for the sake of it. Just so that you have a friend that you know has to stay there. I know my idea of love must paint a picture of someone who is self obsessed and cares more on appearances than anything else and this is far from true so I will give you the benifit of the doubt. You spoke of it being "like barriers when bowling" something that helps you along, but this same thing can be said about success. The only time I notice a unhappy unsuccessful person is when their success starts to lack... right I've used that word far to much success success success. Got it out of my system.

I've you've made it this far I am very proud of you. Keep on reading.

My only comment on comunity is that it is the same as love in that it is people that are forced together for sake be... we don't mind either way but we might aswell be together if we can be.
And as for family, we all know we can't choose them and that the love is forced upon us. That isn't to say that we wouldn't possibly love them without being family, just less likely. I remeber when I was young I thought about this once. I knew I loved my parents, I truely loved them but I didn't really know what that meant. I mean I didn't feel anything special by it and I know I take it for granted (or atleast I did) but I am happy to admit it. I was a child and I didn't really understand why I loved them... well they give me stuff is that love? what about them looking after me? or feeding me? What is it. I still don't feel I have been given an answer as to what Love or happiness is. Yet they are two of the biggest things in my life.

The last point you made led me onto a new subject I suppose, the idea of using your creative side. I, as most know, love writing songs. The idea of having it as an ocupation is heavenly but with it I know the extent of absolute shitness I have felt because of it. The times I have awoke thinking, is it fucking worth it. Everyone telling me it is to hard to make it so don't try. Friends parents laughing in my face when I tell them I want to do it as a job. When I hear a song that I knew I could have done better if only I had had the same lucky breaks as others. My point is... is it worth going through it?

Needless to say I am going to go through it even if I think it isn't worth it. It isn't so much a want it is something I need to do. I crave the people's response to my creations. Anyway I will leave you on that note.

As always I'm not proof reading and I have probably gone so far of the original point that it is barely covered.

XxlukexX

Joe blogs

2008-12-08T13:55:00.001-08:00

Well, today my post is about Joe Reed's last post (sorry if the repetition of "post" annoys you but I can't think of a better word at this time). Anywho... before I go off point to quickly, which does seem to be something I do ever so well, I should probably link you to his blog just incase you don't already read it. http://joerobot.wordpress.com/ - the post dated (let me look) December 7, 2008.

It is a nice post about success and happiness but I thought it would be interesting if I were to, I'm not sure argue is the best word, comment on it perhaps? Then hopefully he will in turn reply to mine, the whole thing could be frightfully dull but I am willing to give it a go if you guys are.

I will give you a few minutes to go and read his post... done? Good.

Well it is true that we are expected to want success. The idea that we could want to be unsuccessful is absurd but ofcourse this is what interested me. What if were given the chance to be successful at the stake of being unhappy, Joe's argument is just that, and I realise that I unfairly call it an argument as he is unaware of me doing this post currently.

Happiness can be measured how? The size of your smile, the ora you give off? I find that the most tricky aspect, I know when I am happy but I don't know if others are happy. Even if the brandish a smile and have a "glow" about them I still can't be sure. However when I see someone walking along laced in the finest designer clothing, and I mean top end designer, with shoes that cause the deepest envy in me it gives me an answer to this question. I would much prefer to be walking along in expensive clothes looking fantastic than worrying about happiness.

I just read in my second Stephen Fry book, yes I know I am a little obsessed, anyway... "Money is to Everything, as an Aeroplane is to Australia. The Aeroplane isn't Australia, but it remains the only practical way we know of reaching it." So if success brings me money, so it does happiness. This is my view on the whole matter, Joe might have an interesting spin or a subtopic or a sub-subtopic that I can continue this whole "interesting" idea of mine out with.

As always thankyou for reading and as always I'm not proof reading.

XxlukexX

Today

2008-12-07T11:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not here to write about what is wrong or right, what annoys me, what cool gadget I want or any other topic I would find it easy to bable on about. No. Today, my friends, I have decided to write about something that I love and that is... love or at least lust.

Don't worry it isn't going to be one of those awkward to read pieces on how I feel I am the only one who has ever loved some girl who buys all her clothes from Topshop (not that there is anything wrong with Topshop), carries a bag that is bigger than her backcombed hair (again I feel nothing negative towards back combed hair I am merely experimenting with imagery) and other such qualities that I have heard countrless friends talk about. No, this is going to be a post about those little things, those I-gotta-have-me-some-more-of-this things.

Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong? That isn't exactly how you felt at the time and, respectably, looking back you probably switch your mind from it being right or wrong each time you picture it. Anyway, after "said" thing has happened do you get that sickly feeling? I mean that same feeling as when you are nervous. Or, similiarily, when you have injured yourself and there is a split second before the pain is rushed along the nerves to your brainbox. In that split second you brace yourself and there is this... this... feeling? I think it is a feeling. It is confusing. Anyway, that feeling, if such thing could be positive, is the feeling I get when I meet a girl I get a crush on. I have plenty of crushes.

I feel this is more lust than love and, dare I say it, I love it. I love that feeling and in an instance I picture my friends looking at me with this girl - this girl who passed me, or walked out a shop, or I have been sat opposite all night without the nerve to talk to because, well, because simply what if she doesn't like me, what if we don't date, what if we don't become a couple, get married, have kids, go on holidays and grow old together. I can't bare to not be with this girl, she has just walked passed me and straight out of my life. OH MY BLOODY GOSH, the girl I want to grow old with has left me, did you see her!? she walked straight passed me what an absolute sodding cunt. Oh wait whos this walking passed me now, shes pretty... could she be? could she be the one? Do you think we could date? get married, have kids, go on holidays and grow old together?

Yet again I feel I shouldn't proof read, I prefer it with raw misspelligss grammer and problems. ;)

Thank you m'dears so much for reading.

XxlukexX

Freezing

2008-12-05T15:47:00.001-08:00

It was cold tonight. Well it was, infact, cold all day. I saw frost out my window when I woke up and that was, let's say, a long while after breakfast should have been. I've been reading a lot lately and I'm really enjoying it, suddenly all these words I never thought of using seem so perfect and there is nothing more I want to do than write something beautiful and set it permanently with a melody.

I actually got out of bed at around 2:30pm but this is not to say I woke up so late. I remember waking up at something past 9 and was in a daze. My feet were cold so the only way I could think to tackle this problem was to place them in a pillow, this worked so well that it something I am doing as I type this very second. The reason I was in bed for so long is because I was reading "The Hippopotamus" by Stephen Fry. I have always loved reading but, for the last 6 years atleast, it has been exclusively non-fiction. I adore autobiographies and I don't feel it is interesting to go into why I just do.

I have just paused and writen and email to my Dad so I have lost my trail of thought and I am far to stuborn to read over what I have already done. I was incredibly happy with a phrase I used in it. "I want to write something Beautiful but not pretty" I think this is the main thing musically and lyrically going through my mind at the moment.

Anyway I was so involved in the book that I had to finish it so I stay in bed for several hours reading it. I just wanted to post a blog saying how inspired I feel by language right now. I want to write poetry but I know it will be terribly, I want to write lyrics but I know they will be empty and I want to write stories but I know they will be pretentious. I will try tomorrow.

I will sit.

I will create beautiful lines of an ugly nature.

Thank you for your time m'dears.

XxlukexX

Is this a good idea?

2008-11-14T16:41:00.000-08:00

Yes... it is. hahaha I've already fucked ti up, I feel terrible because I have already made a spelling mistake well... more I masked the keyboard in my drunken stuper. Up there ^^^ I said ti instead of it... but if I change it now then all of this is pointeless. Well I 'spose this is all pointless anyway.

Well I wanted to do a good deed today, like I said I was going to, but I really couldn't think of anything. I then came up with the idea of maybe doing a 100 good deeds and then having a list sort of thing. But to be honest I don't think that would be very exciting so instead I will ramble on about random crap.

I really can't be bothered to look back over this to see if I have made a large amount of mistakes so itwill be left how it is, ESPECIALLY WITH THE TI AT THE TOP... otherwise no one will understand anything. I spose I could say that since that is spelled "TI" and the universe is in working order... if it wasn't spelled "TI" then the universe wouldn't be in working order, and lets face it I don't need that on my mind... I feel guilty enough what with all the genocide.

Hmmm I could do with some american dad amd a biscuit and some water :D right I am going to get some I just wantedf you all to know that even when drunk I care enough to type :D

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Kind regards,

face.

Some people are just lovely

2008-11-13T13:07:00.001-08:00

Today, whilst walking through Bath, a woman over heard that I was looking for a job and followed me all the way down a road to catch me and tell me she had seen a sign advertising a job. I know it doesn't sound like much but it really made my day that someone I didn't know would actually go out of their way for me.

It isn't an original idea as the great Danny Wallace has already done the whole good deed everyday thing. I still would like to try it... I want to do atleast one good deed everyday. Obviously if there is a day when an opportunity doesn't arise I will be content to just leave it but I am going to try and do some good things.

As it is becoming more and more obvious I'm not sure what to select as a subject matter. If I want to review things and give my opinions on them I have to select a topic. Gadgets are expensive and widely reviewed, food is more difficult because I am a vegetarian and there are already huge organisations such as Peta that review products. So what what what I ask you should I talk about!?

I will give it some thought.

Thanks for reading

XxlukexX

So it's the first day

2008-11-07T01:41:00.000-08:00

of the rest of my life.

I guess that is the best way to look at it. It looks like quite a nice day outsite so I might get up and have a walk because some day I will be looking back and wondering why I didn't take advantage of these times.

I don't currently have a bed so this morning I woke up on my floor after having... not nightmares but dreams that just suddenly wake me up. I don't know if I am describe that right but they deffinately weren't scarey they just made me wake up... yeah I have confused myself.

I have that horried sense of not knowing what I am going to do with my life... I know what I want to do and I know roughly how to go about doing that but still because I'm not doing it right this second I feel kinda uneasy. However, I have been listening to older song I have writen and comparing them to the new ones made me so happy because the level of quality has inreased dramatically.

This is turning into one of those empty posts where I don't really say anything but manage to make it fill a page. I should probably start writing stuff that is happening/has happened.

Yesturday I went into bath to hand out some CVs because I need a job, I'm sure I could get by with out one but I am a big fan of money. It is true that money can't buy happiness but it sure can buy things that make me happy. I also checked out Bath college as I am hoping to go there next year. Saw Kay, saw Bond, and watched my mate do that gang knife thing with his hand and mess up a lot... there was a lot of blood. It was more exciting than I make out I am just annoyed because I want to be working at River Island and I don't think they are taking any more people on.

Anyway, I will stop with this pointless post.

XxlukexX

Back in England

2008-11-05T01:43:00.000-08:00

I just, this very second, arrived back in the lovely place that is Radstock. HAH. I was greated with the smell of eggs/sulphur and it was ummmm... very pleasent. None the less, I am glad to be back as, although my time in France was fantastic, I have missed everyone.

I am about to shave, shower and then hop on a bus to go to Bristol with Tabo, nothing like shopping to get me back in the swing of things.

I am greatly pleased by Obama getting into power... let us just hope that he brings change to the world. I know it is a bit much to put it all on one man but that is kinda how it is going to work, if he sticks to his words and sorts out the health system and gets us out of this war I will be far happier with the world... far from content with it but still happier.

Much love everyone.

XxlukexX

The last night

2008-11-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

So it is my last night in France, I've already made a note about this but I thought I should start writing in my blog again... I deleted all the old posts so it is a fresh new start.

I have to be honest I was a little inspired by my friend, Joe Reed, as I noticed he had started doing his blog again. As a tribute to him (so to speak) I am also going to do a top ten off of my Ipod. These are tunes that I feel anyone and everyone should check out and I hope you will do, easiest way is usually just to go to youtube and search for them there. Anway I will start with 10...

These are my current top tracks.

10 - 20th Century boy - T.Rex

This is fantastic, I first found it when I heard Placebo doing a cover of it which is also fantastic but there is something about the opening chords that is so powerful. His vocals sound as though he isn't even trying yet the quality is clearly there.

9 - Move Along - All American Rejects

Moving on from the whole glam thing I have picked Move Along, it has the best sounds from that whole emo thing that happened/ is happening, I'm really not sure what is going on with that anymore... who hates who and all that jazz but what I do know is that I don't care what genre it is, if it is a good song I will like it. This one truely is, I used to listen to this is my car full blast its amazing to sing along to because of the chorus "when all you've got to keep is strong, move along, move along..." I love it when the lyrics to the chorus have something to with the title because there is that sudden realisation that anyone can sing along to those little bits.

8 - Once more with feeling - get cape. wear cape. fly

Once again this has vocals in it that are sung in a way that sounds as if he isn't even trying. I really love this song, basically it is just really pretty and I can't say much more about it than that.
If you decide to check out just one of these songs it should probably be this one because I don't know anyone yet that hasn't got something good out of one of his songs.

7 - Misery - Green Day

Oh yes! back to the good old days of Green Day. This is one of those songs that I wish I had writen myself but any atempt to write anything like it sounds like a blatent copy so it is probably best just to... not.
This song has a really good beat to it and I find if I am particularly pissed off it is a good song to vent to. Most of the time when I listen to a song the first thing I pay attention to is the vocalist (being one myself) and he has that "thing" about him that just works with any style he trys.

6 - Standing next to me - Last of the Shadow Puppets

I only started listening to these again the other day as I had it in my head that I can't listen to indie in the same way that when emo first came about I had it in my head that I couldn't listen to that either. I am so glad I started listening to this band again because what I have said above about the lack of effort but perfect quality in singing... Alex does it perfectly. Very envious of this man. The song has a 60s feel to it and is just a track that I think is beautifully done. It is only a short track but is very powerful.

5 - She Falls Asleep (part2) - McFly

I've always had a soft spot for Mcfly I just think they are incredible song writers and this song proves it. Part1 is just an instrumental but it leads straight into this which has a full ochestra backing and sounds as though it should be in a musical. Amazingly emotional track my highlight is at the end when he sings "please save me". If ever a piece of music could be called gorgeous it is this.

4 - Time for Heros - The Libertines

Yet again I talk about the vocals that sound like they aren't trying... in this case most probably due to him being smacked up out of his face but hey he does it well. Just a short song with a kind of fast vocaled feel, constant phrases coming at you done perfectly and the timbre of his voice is perfect for his style.

3 - Jack the ripper - Morrissey

This man is a genius aswell, you have to love a bit of "Moza" this song has the perfect sounded drums in the background and the melody just flows with decending screams from guitars shifting from speaker to speaker. I don't think I even need to talk about how amazing his voice is... nah I don't.

2 - Life on Mars - David Bowie

This is one of my all time favourite songs ever. I think I'd go as far to say I would like something like this played at my funeral, how depressing but it is a lovely song. This man in my eyes is a god. His voice is so fantastic words just can't describe so I shall not waste them. Check this song out. It gives me goosebumps but hey everyone is different you might just think... why is this guy singing about Micky mouse and a cow?

1 - Teddy Pickers - Arctic Monkeys

I've already spoken about Alex Turner earlier and about how his voice is perfect at the style of singing I love. This has a really thick bass drum in it and a repetative riff through out the verse which is simple but great. On top of this it has the fast flowing vocals which I mentioned liking in the libertines song and also it uses another quality I like when it uses the line "Teddy Picker" in the Bridge.

Well that's it I suppose, I will be a little more original next time and come up with my own idea and not steal Joes but I know he wont mind so that is all good.

Thankyou for reading,

XxlukexX