My thirst for trying to create beauty

Lately I have really been trying to create something beautiful. I'm not saying that the following is... but it is my latest attempt.

What is now abundently clear to me was once, how can I put it without settling for the disgusting use of the word 'not'?... I suppose I can't 'put it', I can't 'put it' anything.

The scenes were there; unraveling ribbons of beautiful splender leaving their trails and occasionally, and it was ONLY occasionally, crossing to make knots which caused said beauty to stutter profusely. Each ribbon reaching out to grace everything and everyone they touched with numbing, intoxicating excellence.

I had the chance to take it all in, to explore every shadow, every bit of grit that, over time, would scratch away at the image like nails peeling frost off of a window, each line of ice coiling and falling to the ground. Each line of ice filling your body with the same joy you get from telling a lie and getting away with it.

The days had began to end earlier and evening would creep upon me like flys on shit. The world was lucky if I was up by noon and I sure as hell wouldn't compliment it by regretting this choice. And it was a choice. Was, is and will forever more be a choice... my choice.

I don't think I even loved her, I once wrote a small letter, I now keep it in my wallet, which explains that I did in every way feel that she was worth my all. So I probably did love her. I excepted the rejection well and as I recieved the usual excuses that are, now, so familiar I didn't even dignify them by trying to win her back. All the while I asked myself.

Would I do it again? I think we both know the answer to that.

Happiness part 3

Well, thank you for reading, I've had a lot of interesting feedback and it seems to be unanimous in agreement that this "blog debate" (searching for better words) is a good idea and one that people like. As a small digression - and I promise it is the smallest of digressions this time - I just find it funny that I am writing a post on happiness just after finishing a book that was sad and whilst listening to Morrissey (just a thought that tickled me).

Anyway...

In reply to Joe's retaliation post.

Joe's list of "happiness factors", Love, Community, Family and Leisure, left me with some questions. Which ofcourse I will feel happy to answer myself. Firstly I would like to adapt, or perhaps, take from that quotation I used last time. Surely if money doesn't make you happy the same can be said for Love. It merely leads you towards it. I think that most people can say that the lowest they have felt has been at loves mercy. That feeling in your throat when you supress tears, I'm not sure if this is something personal to me or if it is something that others feel. However, my point was that this feeling is something I feel when I am holding back my tears from a Loved one. Holding back tears when being bullied or when be beaten up feels quite different and believe me I used to be all to familiar with this.

I haven't cried properly in quite some time, please bear with me (I had to look up if it was "bear" or "bare"), this is not to say I haven't cried. I think things through to much and over the years this has led me to a strange thought process. Imagine, if you will, that you for no reason, other than that of a gut-feeling, that you were going to part ways with a loved one.

If they were to confront you and you were to break down into tears I am pretty sure in your mind you would be going through everything that had happened between you. Each exceptional moment in the relationship drawn out and so blindly obvious that there is no other way that it could have come to anything other than your now hollow self, your once happy-over-the-top-ecstatic self.

I, however, would think first not of my happiness or unhappiness in any part of the relationship but of how mind blowingly cliché'd it was for me to be crying in the arms of a lover. I would think of what others might see this act as. I might aswell run down the road naked screaming "PLEASE SOMEBODY CARE, OH PLEASE, CARE!". Don't worry yourselves this is not something that will be happening. My point is that I don't think of happiness when thinking about love, I believe that they are linked and obviously they are but thats my personal way of looking at it. Anyway this was one of my longer digressions, something I am going to become famous for I am sure.

What was my next point anyway, oh yes. This whole matter of success and happiness. Am I right to assume that your friend is unsuccessful? Otherwise what point is there on bringing him up. Would you want to make him unhappy by agreeing with me and telling him he is unsuccessful? You're idea of love seems to be a way of copying with not being happy with yourself... someone to be there for the sake of it. Just so that you have a friend that you know has to stay there. I know my idea of love must paint a picture of someone who is self obsessed and cares more on appearances than anything else and this is far from true so I will give you the benifit of the doubt. You spoke of it being "like barriers when bowling" something that helps you along, but this same thing can be said about success. The only time I notice a unhappy unsuccessful person is when their success starts to lack... right I've used that word far to much success success success. Got it out of my system.

I've you've made it this far I am very proud of you. Keep on reading.

My only comment on comunity is that it is the same as love in that it is people that are forced together for sake be... we don't mind either way but we might aswell be together if we can be.
And as for family, we all know we can't choose them and that the love is forced upon us. That isn't to say that we wouldn't possibly love them without being family, just less likely. I remeber when I was young I thought about this once. I knew I loved my parents, I truely loved them but I didn't really know what that meant. I mean I didn't feel anything special by it and I know I take it for granted (or atleast I did) but I am happy to admit it. I was a child and I didn't really understand why I loved them... well they give me stuff is that love? what about them looking after me? or feeding me? What is it. I still don't feel I have been given an answer as to what Love or happiness is. Yet they are two of the biggest things in my life.

The last point you made led me onto a new subject I suppose, the idea of using your creative side. I, as most know, love writing songs. The idea of having it as an ocupation is heavenly but with it I know the extent of absolute shitness I have felt because of it. The times I have awoke thinking, is it fucking worth it. Everyone telling me it is to hard to make it so don't try. Friends parents laughing in my face when I tell them I want to do it as a job. When I hear a song that I knew I could have done better if only I had had the same lucky breaks as others. My point is... is it worth going through it?

Needless to say I am going to go through it even if I think it isn't worth it. It isn't so much a want it is something I need to do. I crave the people's response to my creations. Anyway I will leave you on that note.

As always I'm not proof reading and I have probably gone so far of the original point that it is barely covered.

XxlukexX

Joe blogs

Well, today my post is about Joe Reed's last post (sorry if the repetition of "post" annoys you but I can't think of a better word at this time). Anywho... before I go off point to quickly, which does seem to be something I do ever so well, I should probably link you to his blog just incase you don't already read it. http://joerobot.wordpress.com/ - the post dated (let me look) December 7, 2008.

It is a nice post about success and happiness but I thought it would be interesting if I were to, I'm not sure argue is the best word, comment on it perhaps? Then hopefully he will in turn reply to mine, the whole thing could be frightfully dull but I am willing to give it a go if you guys are.

I will give you a few minutes to go and read his post... done? Good.

Well it is true that we are expected to want success. The idea that we could want to be unsuccessful is absurd but ofcourse this is what interested me. What if were given the chance to be successful at the stake of being unhappy, Joe's argument is just that, and I realise that I unfairly call it an argument as he is unaware of me doing this post currently.

Happiness can be measured how? The size of your smile, the ora you give off? I find that the most tricky aspect, I know when I am happy but I don't know if others are happy. Even if the brandish a smile and have a "glow" about them I still can't be sure. However when I see someone walking along laced in the finest designer clothing, and I mean top end designer, with shoes that cause the deepest envy in me it gives me an answer to this question. I would much prefer to be walking along in expensive clothes looking fantastic than worrying about happiness.

I just read in my second Stephen Fry book, yes I know I am a little obsessed, anyway... "Money is to Everything, as an Aeroplane is to Australia. The Aeroplane isn't Australia, but it remains the only practical way we know of reaching it." So if success brings me money, so it does happiness. This is my view on the whole matter, Joe might have an interesting spin or a subtopic or a sub-subtopic that I can continue this whole "interesting" idea of mine out with.

As always thankyou for reading and as always I'm not proof reading.

XxlukexX

Today

I'm not here to write about what is wrong or right, what annoys me, what cool gadget I want or any other topic I would find it easy to bable on about. No. Today, my friends, I have decided to write about something that I love and that is... love or at least lust.

Don't worry it isn't going to be one of those awkward to read pieces on how I feel I am the only one who has ever loved some girl who buys all her clothes from Topshop (not that there is anything wrong with Topshop), carries a bag that is bigger than her backcombed hair (again I feel nothing negative towards back combed hair I am merely experimenting with imagery) and other such qualities that I have heard countrless friends talk about. No, this is going to be a post about those little things, those I-gotta-have-me-some-more-of-this things.

Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong? That isn't exactly how you felt at the time and, respectably, looking back you probably switch your mind from it being right or wrong each time you picture it. Anyway, after "said" thing has happened do you get that sickly feeling? I mean that same feeling as when you are nervous. Or, similiarily, when you have injured yourself and there is a split second before the pain is rushed along the nerves to your brainbox. In that split second you brace yourself and there is this... this... feeling? I think it is a feeling. It is confusing. Anyway, that feeling, if such thing could be positive, is the feeling I get when I meet a girl I get a crush on. I have plenty of crushes.

I feel this is more lust than love and, dare I say it, I love it. I love that feeling and in an instance I picture my friends looking at me with this girl - this girl who passed me, or walked out a shop, or I have been sat opposite all night without the nerve to talk to because, well, because simply what if she doesn't like me, what if we don't date, what if we don't become a couple, get married, have kids, go on holidays and grow old together. I can't bare to not be with this girl, she has just walked passed me and straight out of my life. OH MY BLOODY GOSH, the girl I want to grow old with has left me, did you see her!? she walked straight passed me what an absolute sodding cunt. Oh wait whos this walking passed me now, shes pretty... could she be? could she be the one? Do you think we could date? get married, have kids, go on holidays and grow old together?

Yet again I feel I shouldn't proof read, I prefer it with raw misspelligss grammer and problems. ;)

Thank you m'dears so much for reading.

XxlukexX

Freezing

It was cold tonight. Well it was, infact, cold all day. I saw frost out my window when I woke up and that was, let's say, a long while after breakfast should have been. I've been reading a lot lately and I'm really enjoying it, suddenly all these words I never thought of using seem so perfect and there is nothing more I want to do than write something beautiful and set it permanently with a melody.

I actually got out of bed at around 2:30pm but this is not to say I woke up so late. I remember waking up at something past 9 and was in a daze. My feet were cold so the only way I could think to tackle this problem was to place them in a pillow, this worked so well that it something I am doing as I type this very second. The reason I was in bed for so long is because I was reading "The Hippopotamus" by Stephen Fry. I have always loved reading but, for the last 6 years atleast, it has been exclusively non-fiction. I adore autobiographies and I don't feel it is interesting to go into why I just do.

I have just paused and writen and email to my Dad so I have lost my trail of thought and I am far to stuborn to read over what I have already done. I was incredibly happy with a phrase I used in it. "I want to write something Beautiful but not pretty" I think this is the main thing musically and lyrically going through my mind at the moment.

Anyway I was so involved in the book that I had to finish it so I stay in bed for several hours reading it. I just wanted to post a blog saying how inspired I feel by language right now. I want to write poetry but I know it will be terribly, I want to write lyrics but I know they will be empty and I want to write stories but I know they will be pretentious. I will try tomorrow.

I will sit.

I will create beautiful lines of an ugly nature.

Thank you for your time m'dears.

XxlukexX

Is this a good idea?

Yes... it is. hahaha I've already fucked ti up, I feel terrible because I have already made a spelling mistake well... more I masked the keyboard in my drunken stuper. Up there ^^^ I said ti instead of it... but if I change it now then all of this is pointeless. Well I 'spose this is all pointless anyway.

Well I wanted to do a good deed today, like I said I was going to, but I really couldn't think of anything. I then came up with the idea of maybe doing a 100 good deeds and then having a list sort of thing. But to be honest I don't think that would be very exciting so instead I will ramble on about random crap.

I really can't be bothered to look back over this to see if I have made a large amount of mistakes so itwill be left how it is, ESPECIALLY WITH THE TI AT THE TOP... otherwise no one will understand anything. I spose I could say that since that is spelled "TI" and the universe is in working order... if it wasn't spelled "TI" then the universe wouldn't be in working order, and lets face it I don't need that on my mind... I feel guilty enough what with all the genocide.

Hmmm I could do with some american dad amd a biscuit and some water :D right I am going to get some I just wantedf you all to know that even when drunk I care enough to type :D

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Kind regards,

face.

Some people are just lovely

Today, whilst walking through Bath, a woman over heard that I was looking for a job and followed me all the way down a road to catch me and tell me she had seen a sign advertising a job. I know it doesn't sound like much but it really made my day that someone I didn't know would actually go out of their way for me.

It isn't an original idea as the great Danny Wallace has already done the whole good deed everyday thing. I still would like to try it... I want to do atleast one good deed everyday. Obviously if there is a day when an opportunity doesn't arise I will be content to just leave it but I am going to try and do some good things.

As it is becoming more and more obvious I'm not sure what to select as a subject matter. If I want to review things and give my opinions on them I have to select a topic. Gadgets are expensive and widely reviewed, food is more difficult because I am a vegetarian and there are already huge organisations such as Peta that review products. So what what what I ask you should I talk about!?

I will give it some thought.

Thanks for reading

XxlukexX